Thoughts on Giving Birth to a CD

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I have found myself feeling  a little anxious of late.   I have had that feeling of needing to move (we have done a lot of that) or wanting to have another baby…….YIKES!   I have identified that feeling as really just being in  need of something new, something exciting.   You know that feeling of the unknown and the anticipation of what things are going to be like when you get where you are going.   For the last 10 years or so we have either been moving (5 times to be exact) or we have been having a baby (5 times pregnant with 4 babies) and I think my body and my psyche had fallen into a rhythm.  Now it has been 4 years since I have done either and I have been feeling a little lost.

Don’t get me wrong, those things also have brought a lot of stress into my life.  There was the 6 months we had no where to live and the 5 of us slept in one bedroom at my sisters house with all of our belongings in her garage.  The new baby came early and they oldest had just started school in another city while my husband  had to drive about 27 miles to work everyday.  We had one car…..you do the math.   It was actually a lovely feeling to no that my sister was REALLY there for us when we needed it.  Lets face it, prayers are wonderful, but when you actually need a roof over your head (and some place to celebrate Christmas) and someone can provide that….well words are not enough.  O.k.,   back to the other side of the coin.

I  get a bit antsy from time to time.  I love to paint the inside of my house and to reorganize.   It keeps things from getting stagnant.    I love to create and have a deep need to do so.    A new house, a pregnancy,  it’s like a clean slate.   I think that is why I loved teaching as well.   Every September was a clean slate, an opportunity to do something new and different.   As a stay at home mom I have to search for things (and time) to be creative.   I have been saying to my husband ” I need some really good news,  something really exciting.”   I want a change.

So it hit me this morning  DUH!   Your CD is your new baby.   I think right now, as I haven’t been in a studio in about 6 years, I am in the first trimester.  With all of my pregnancies, the first trimester was never good.  It was full of doubt and nausea.  I remember thinking ” Why did I do this again?   I don’t know if I have the stamina.  I don’t think I can do this.”   After my miscarriage,  my third pregnancy, was fought with fear and anxiety.     Maybe my body wasn’t  cut out for this.   I realized today that I have the same fears about  making another CD.  Maybe I am not really cut out for this, I don’t think I can do this.  Somewhere in the deepest parts of my being, I know that it is what I am supposed to do.  Just like having my babies,  I know that it is right and good and I am in the right place!   I just have to keep reminding myself that.   It is those early weeks,  when the finish line feels like a lifetime away,  that are the hardest.   I do know, from experience, that the time goes by pretty fast, and we always manage to land on our feet.   God always provides and it is always an adventure getting there but we always arrive.

So for now I will do what it takes just  to hang in there (with pregnancy #1 all I could keep down was snack pack chocolate pudding.) and keep in mind that the process is at work even if I can’t see the progress yet.   I am not showing to the world yet  but that little being is growing and thriving inside and will come to full fruit when it is ready and the time is right.   I will try not to stress so that it doesn’t come any sooner than it should (like #4) and will be healthy and well.  I may suffer some losses along the way (God bless little Dot) but even they will have something to add to the finished product.   “In all things God works for the good of those who love Him” Rms.  8:28 and so I can confidently move forward.   I think I will play my guitar today and take what comes.   I know it will be good.   Thanks for stopping by.

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3 responses »

  1. You seem to forget that you give even when you feel that you are taking. I truly got as much out of you all staying with me for those 6 months as you did. You forget that I didn’t think I would ever have babies in my house again, yet there they were on Christmas morning and sitting on my sink with me as I got ready for work in the morning. Then that beautiful little one arrived early enough that I got to play mommy for a little bit of time once more. (And we don’t even have to mention the cookies and milk in the evenings or the hot dinner waiting for me when I got home – I really do miss living with your husband!)

    However, if you feel you need a creative outlet, my house is like a blank canvas. Come on over any time and paint to your little heart’s content. Maybe that’s the inspiration you need!

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