I sat up until about midnight last night. I didn’t really think I had it in me anymore yet, there I was. What was it that kept me up you might be asking…..music. I was pouring over some old cassette tapes of stuff I was writing or performing at the time. I have an old school tape recorder and the rewind and fast forward don’t work. It was quite tedious and strangely enjoyable. It was so funny to listen to songs that I had forgotten all about. Once they got rolling I remembered them all. I have been looking for some fresh material for this up coming concert I am planning and thought I might something worthy of revisiting. That’s when I hit a wall. A familiar one, but a wall just the same.
As I started listening with an ear for this event I am planning I started critiquing EVERYTHING. ” Maybe that song isn’t good enough and maybe that’s the reason I quit doing it.” “Maybe the melody is good and I could rework the lyric” some of them brought me right back to where I was when I wrote it and some of them meant something totally new to me because of where I am now. I sat there winding and re-winding with a pencil wishing someone else was there with me to listen and lend an opinion. I has a musical friend many years ago who told me to bring him everything and not to judge it myself. He always thought I was too critical and that is a hole that many song writers fall into. “You cannot be the judge of your own stuff…..that’s why people go to therapy.”
I have a lot of work to do before I can offer it up to public scrutiny and part of me thinks I am not up to it. I certainly can’t do the long hours thing ( I am feeling it today) and I do feel like I am opening myself up to be looked at and listened to in a way that I haven’t in some time. I know in my head that it is a good thing but until I actually get there I will panic and question and panic some more. I have so much doubt but perhaps a smidgen more guts and so I will get it done. At least that’s how I see it right now and that could change.