And this too may pass?


I sat up until about midnight last night.   I  didn’t really think I had it in me anymore yet,  there I was.   What was it that kept me up you might be asking…    I was pouring over some old cassette tapes of stuff I was writing or performing at the time.   I have an old school tape recorder and the rewind and fast forward don’t work.   It was quite tedious and strangely enjoyable.  It was so funny to listen to songs that I had forgotten all about.  Once they got rolling I remembered them all.    I have been looking for some fresh material for this up coming concert I am planning and thought I might something worthy of revisiting.  That’s when I hit a wall.   A familiar one, but  a wall just the same.

As I started listening with an ear for this event I am planning I started critiquing EVERYTHING.  ” Maybe that song isn’t good enough and maybe that’s the reason I quit doing it.”   “Maybe the melody is good and I could rework the lyric”   some of them brought me right back to where I was when I wrote it and some of them meant something totally new to me because of where I am now.   I sat there winding and re-winding with a pencil wishing someone else was there with me to listen and lend an opinion.   I has a musical friend many years ago who told me to bring him everything and not to judge it myself.   He always thought I was too critical and that is a hole that many song writers fall into.  “You cannot be the judge of your own stuff…..that’s why people go to therapy.”

I have a lot of work to do before I can offer it up to public scrutiny and part of me thinks I am not up to it.   I certainly can’t do the long hours thing ( I am feeling it today) and I do feel like I am opening myself up to be looked at and listened to in a way that I haven’t in some time.   I know in my head that it is a good thing but until I actually get there I will panic and question and panic some more.   I have so much doubt but perhaps a smidgen  more guts and so I will get it done.   At least that’s how I see it right now and that could change.


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