Some days I’m just not sure who I am. Most days I am too many things to be or do any one thing very well. I have more hats than I care to count and couldn’t possibly where them all at the same time (not in this sweltering heat) and yet a try. Why? I’m not sure. Mostly I think it is because, as I have said before, I care way too much about what people think of me. I keep trying to change that but I am coming to the conclusion that is just who I am. The best thing I can do is try to beat it out of my children lest they be doomed to a life time of hoop jumping and self deprecation. It’s sad…I know. I have decided to put a positive spin on it instead. It makes me a caring person????? Well, what ever it is, it is , and I will love myself for the effort.
I started thinking about my hats this morning and was looking for one that I used to wear almost exclusively. My singer song writer hat is covered with dust but it still fits. It gets forgotten some times or lost under the mom hat, the wife hat, the teacher hat, the counselor hat, the box top lady hat, the book club lady hat, the friend hat etc. but it is always beckoning to me “put me on for a few minutes today” but sometimes it is hard to wear it for a few minutes at a time so I just don’t put it on at all. I am trying to look at things differently and maybe that one hat is made up of all the others but that only goes so far. You can’t keep “thinking” about writing music and never write it (faith without works) but that feels too self indulgent. So then I try thinking about it like a “business” ….”it’s o.k. because this is a potential and desperately needed income” but that feels inauthentic and dirty. It is hard to reconcile the two. What’s left?????
For today I see myself like the peddler in the old story …. wearing all my caps at the same time. I can only hope I have his gift of balance because I will have to carry all these caps for a life time. I can’t sell any of them for 50 cents and I’m not sure anyone would want to buy them anyway.
All right… so this blog has really taken a few twists and turns in terms of my original reason for starting it which was to chronicle the journey of creating a new CD. (which by the way seems just as far away as it ever has) Today this blog is taking on the role of musical informant (yet again) to tell you that there is a new CD out there that you must give a listen to. This new group was brought to my attention today by my husband after he heard them on KCRW this morning. They are called The Secret Sisters and their new album is due to come out on Oct 12th. It was produced by T-bone Burnett and that is all I know about that right now. The music was too good and I had to get it out there right away. I will go back now and check out the rest of the story.
I have to say that, at first glance, it may seem as though this has nothing to do with making my own new disc but it really does. Other musicians, my kids, my husband, my friends and life experiences all find their way into my music somehow. They all inspire me to be creative and so it all becomes part of this tapestry that is my life. That is all I will say in defense of my wanderings in the blogisphere.
Go and check out these ladies. I think you will enjoy as I did!
Is it just me or are you waiting for fall. I am fighting the urge to start cocooning myself while sipping tea and filling my house with the aroma of pumpkin pie. I know that technically it isn’t fall yet but in my head we were there weeks ago only (here in Los Angeles) the weather, at least in the afternoon, isn’t cooperating. I actually turned on my air conditioner around 1:00 for two consecutive days. The mornings (until about 9:00) have been lovely and cool. I love it when the day starts that way. It makes drinking coffee all the more enjoyable.
All that being said……. I have reached another milestone in my musical journey. (it’s not the kind of musical journey where music comes out of no where and people are dancing in the middle of the street) I have been fighting back my own fears of success and the urge to throw in the towel and have emerged victorious…well for now anyway. I have, count em’, two rehearsals under my belt and have actually picked a date (I think) for my concert and my opportunity to debut some of these new songs that I have been working on. It will be good to bring them into the light and allow them to sort of take on a new life. Drum roll………………..Friday October 29th! I will be singing …..even if no one shows up. I know a few of you will but I am hoping for a few newbies who have yet to hear some of my own stuff and not the stuff I sing at church.
It makes me feel all grown up to even talk about such things. It feels like maybe (just maybe) I have an actual career that is of my making and it feels like an old, comfortable pair of shoes. I am hoping that my voice will hold out as I have been having some trouble with that but will be seeing someone about that on the 14th (say a little prayer) and hope to have some sort of diagnosis or a clean bill of health……but that is for another post. I choose to be happy about things today and happy for every small victory that I can claim. “With God, all things are possible”!
I just dropped #s 1,2 and 3 off at school. Number 4 will be home for about another month before it’s his turn. What will I do? In a strange way, I have both looked forward to and dreaded that day. Mind you, #4 will only be a way for a few hours in the morning but he will be gone all the same. The world will have officially taken over my kids. I will now struggle (with all of them) to maintain my influence and protection over their little hearts and minds. Ultimately they will all come home thinking someone else’s mom is way cooler than me. I have come to terms with the fact that I am way too old and way too Catholic to be the “cool” mom. I’m o.k. with that I think but it does wear you down sometimes. It is the same thing that most moms go through I think but it seems somehow unique when you are the one feeling it. I often find myself in a strange place with other moms as well because we stay at homers are not in the majority and I don’t find too many moms these days that have 4 kids and that can be a little difficult. Ultimately we are more alike than even we think.
I know that most of it find it hard to shop for ourselves when the new fall kids clothes are so cute and we just don’t want our kids to get teased for what they are wearing. I know that we all hate it when our kids get upset because we try to send them lunches that we think are healthy when “EVERYONE ELSES” mom is sending them the latest new fangled food out on the market (usually some sort of day glow yogurt product) We all want our kids to be happy and healthy and perhaps most of all, we want our kids to like us. We want them to come to us for advice and not their friends on the playground. We want them to like themselves just the way they are and not because the other kids deem them “popular”. We want to give them freedom but we want to protect them from all the evil in the world. Being a mom is sometimes the hardest thing in the world.
This morning I went to my #2 and asked her to keep an eye out on a little one who is in her class and is struggling on his first day. “He needs a good friend today, can you do that for me?” To which she smiled and said “o.k. mom” as if I ever needed to say that to her in the first place. She knows what to do. Maybe I am doing something right? ARRGGHHH parenthood.
J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!!! Sorry….it’s the first game of the regular season. I couldn’t help myself.
O.k. maybe you do this too. Sometimes I have so many things on my plate….I put it down entirely and choose not to eat. You can’t put off eating forever or you will die right?
This week I have so much on my agenda, besides my regular child and household stuff. I start teaching my CCD class on Saturday and have not prepared a thing. I have ideas but haven’t formalized anything. I also have two picnics (school and church) to prepare for. I am responsible for the music at our church’s outdoor mass…….haven’t planned that either. I have a back to school meeting tonight which I am woefully unprepared for on many levels, the biggest one being that I still don’t know if I am sending #1 back and school starts on Monday. I am trying to work on this concert thing I have been wanting to do and have a rehearsal scheduled for tomorrow night that I’m not sure I am ready for blah blah blah blah!
The point here is that I have things I need to do and here I sit blogging! Can anyone say “avoidance” or “procrastination.” Why is it that I can’t seem to get anything started or finished for that matter. Instead I choose to sit in a state of panic and indecision. Where should my priorities be. Let’s face it……with all of the kids home it is sometimes hard to form one solid thought much less get something finished……and yet I blog. Shall we ponder that for awhile? O lets and then we have one more excuse not to get started and live in a state of anxiety. I think I will finish my dishes instead and move on to project number two. I guess that’s how most people get things done. By the way…….don’t “to do” lists just seem like one more thing to do? Hmmmm.