Some days I’m just not sure who I am. Most days I am too many things to be or do any one thing very well. I have more hats than I care to count and couldn’t possibly where them all at the same time (not in this sweltering heat) and yet a try. Why? I’m not sure. Mostly I think it is because, as I have said before, I care way too much about what people think of me. I keep trying to change that but I am coming to the conclusion that is just who I am. The best thing I can do is try to beat it out of my children lest they be doomed to a life time of hoop jumping and self deprecation. It’s sad…I know. I have decided to put a positive spin on it instead. It makes me a caring person????? Well, what ever it is, it is , and I will love myself for the effort.
I started thinking about my hats this morning and was looking for one that I used to wear almost exclusively. My singer song writer hat is covered with dust but it still fits. It gets forgotten some times or lost under the mom hat, the wife hat, the teacher hat, the counselor hat, the box top lady hat, the book club lady hat, the friend hat etc. but it is always beckoning to me “put me on for a few minutes today” but sometimes it is hard to wear it for a few minutes at a time so I just don’t put it on at all. I am trying to look at things differently and maybe that one hat is made up of all the others but that only goes so far. You can’t keep “thinking” about writing music and never write it (faith without works) but that feels too self indulgent. So then I try thinking about it like a “business” ….”it’s o.k. because this is a potential and desperately needed income” but that feels inauthentic and dirty. It is hard to reconcile the two. What’s left?????
For today I see myself like the peddler in the old story …. wearing all my caps at the same time. I can only hope I have his gift of balance because I will have to carry all these caps for a life time. I can’t sell any of them for 50 cents and I’m not sure anyone would want to buy them anyway.