My mind is racing this morning. I have to share that I am off to the doctor for a diagnosis to finally find out what is going on with my voice and throat. I was urged by a friend to go and have a look at my vocal chords as opposed to the worry and stress of self diagnosis. I have spent so much time over the last 6 weeks or so wondering “what am I if I can’t sing” It has been my identity for as long as I can remember. No matter what I was faced with that I found difficult or that I just plain couldn’t do, my fall back was always…”well I can still sing” I have read lots of stories (of the horror sort) about botched vocal surgeries. I know about Julie Andrews and her vocal woes and she is “JULIE freakin ANDREWS” she can afford to pay the best doctors in the world. Doctors are not perfect. I tried to stop myself from reading such things but I couldn’t stop myself. Knowledge is power right? (let’s not even talk about Michael Douglas and his throat cancer) Maybe knowledge is power, after all, having an actual diagnosis puts me back in the drivers seat right? Once I know what is going on I can then take control and formalize a plan of attack. My doctors and I will know just what to do to alleviate the symptoms and I will do what ever it takes…..even if it means giving up my beloved coffee. Nothing is worth more than my voice.
I am trying to avoid the thoughts of “I need to record now just in case I can’t sing later so I have something I can leave to my kids.” Crazy I know but fear can really do a number on your psyche. Today is the beginning of the end….of the fear that is. I will not live in the unknown. I will live in the known and take care of myself. I
I have a good friend who has been talking to me and supporting me through these many weeks of instability. He has been through this himself and knows the fear of which I speak. He is a musician and singer and knows the darkness I have been wallowing in and he has been so kind. I can’t wait to tell him that all is well and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to publicly thank him ( at least thank him in front of the 4 or 5 people who might read this) Gary is a really great guy. Now…..for all you good Catholics out there…..please ask Saint Blaze to pray for me. Maybe all those blessings, you know the ones with the candles crossed over your throat, that my mom dragged me to as a child, will come in handy.