Something Worth Fighting For

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When is it o.k. to be selfish?  Ever?   “Why do you ask” you may be asking.  Well………

The holidays are here and that means that I will spread myself way to thin.    I have around 200 scarves to pull together to be distributed at our Christmas homeless luncheon.  I am not making 200 scarves mind you, I have lots of help.  I am coordinating the project…and not very well at this point.   I am also in the process of procuring 150 yards of fleece to make 150 lap blankets for the residents of  a convalescent hospital.   Once again I will have help making them but I have to get the fabric, assist in making them and wrapping them with  a bow.   I just finished with an event that I was chairing at the kids school as well as three separate caroling trips with school children and Scouts all while trying to put together a Christmas pageant from script to costuming.   I haven’t even begun any Christmas shopping or decorating in my own home……..AAAHHH!

Let me just say this….. I love doing this stuff.  Every last event brings me a lot of joy.  I just wish it wasn’t happening all at once.   It is my own fault for spreading myself way too thin and thus sucking the joy right out of some of this.   I also have a good friend  who is going through some MAJOR  life altering trials and my issues are so small in comparison and so I have no right to complain….and yet I do.   I know that I need to shift my focus and stop complaining and stop doing things that are stressing me out.   I need to learn to say no sometimes because my complaining and stress serves no one.

I also have this little CD that I would like to be spending my time on and I need (desperately ) to be writing and working on that but somehow I feel guilty about that.   It seems silly even as I sit here writing this but I really do feel guilty.   I wonder if maybe a jumped  the gun a little.   I expected that number 4 was going to go to pr-school and thus a new phase of my life would begin but the pre-school never opened and  I found myself feeling a little upset. (number 4 was too)   I feel badly about being disappointed.   How could a possibly be upset about getting to have him home with me for another year.   He is a real joy!   but……I had things to do.  I was going to be able to work out again and write music and go to the studio but now I have to wait.   I was so close to the finish line and then it got moved back another mile.   I thought I was going to regain a little part of  myself that I put away so many years ago when I had my kids but it wasn’t  my time yet.   I got too excited and then I felt bad about showing my disappointment.   So now I am back to trying to do it all,   all of the holiday stuff, all of the kid stuff, scrubbing the bathroom, doing the dishes blah blah blah…..and trying to write a song about it all.   I guess that’s why this blog is called In the Trenches.   Some days it really does feel like war fare.  I suppose some things are really worth fighting for.

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2 responses »

  1. As a mother I think that we are expected to lose the selflessness the minute our kids are born. I’m sorry you have so much going on but if it’s any consolation there are a few of us out here that can relate!!

  2. Mothers unite! Thanks for the words of support. The reality is I wouldn’t give it up for anything but I have to vent from time to time. Thanks for listening and commenting. It sort of made my night.

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