When is it o.k. to be selfish? Ever? “Why do you ask” you may be asking. Well………
The holidays are here and that means that I will spread myself way to thin. I have around 200 scarves to pull together to be distributed at our Christmas homeless luncheon. I am not making 200 scarves mind you, I have lots of help. I am coordinating the project…and not very well at this point. I am also in the process of procuring 150 yards of fleece to make 150 lap blankets for the residents of a convalescent hospital. Once again I will have help making them but I have to get the fabric, assist in making them and wrapping them with a bow. I just finished with an event that I was chairing at the kids school as well as three separate caroling trips with school children and Scouts all while trying to put together a Christmas pageant from script to costuming. I haven’t even begun any Christmas shopping or decorating in my own home……..AAAHHH!
Let me just say this….. I love doing this stuff. Every last event brings me a lot of joy. I just wish it wasn’t happening all at once. It is my own fault for spreading myself way too thin and thus sucking the joy right out of some of this. I also have a good friend who is going through some MAJOR life altering trials and my issues are so small in comparison and so I have no right to complain….and yet I do. I know that I need to shift my focus and stop complaining and stop doing things that are stressing me out. I need to learn to say no sometimes because my complaining and stress serves no one.
I also have this little CD that I would like to be spending my time on and I need (desperately ) to be writing and working on that but somehow I feel guilty about that. It seems silly even as I sit here writing this but I really do feel guilty. I wonder if maybe a jumped the gun a little. I expected that number 4 was going to go to pr-school and thus a new phase of my life would begin but the pre-school never opened and I found myself feeling a little upset. (number 4 was too) I feel badly about being disappointed. How could a possibly be upset about getting to have him home with me for another year. He is a real joy! but……I had things to do. I was going to be able to work out again and write music and go to the studio but now I have to wait. I was so close to the finish line and then it got moved back another mile. I thought I was going to regain a little part of myself that I put away so many years ago when I had my kids but it wasn’t my time yet. I got too excited and then I felt bad about showing my disappointment. So now I am back to trying to do it all, all of the holiday stuff, all of the kid stuff, scrubbing the bathroom, doing the dishes blah blah blah…..and trying to write a song about it all. I guess that’s why this blog is called In the Trenches. Some days it really does feel like war fare. I suppose some things are really worth fighting for.