So I am trying to decide how much help to seek out on this little project of mine. I think I need a guitar player but trying to nail someone down who is a working musician is a hard thing to do. I think it is a really good choice for the music as I want the songs to be well served and I am not the best guitar player. The problem really lies in that, I am probably good enough and I am available and will play for free. If nothing else, I am practical. Sometimes however, impatience can come dressed in the costume of practicality. I can also find a little self denial in that as well. I will choose to not get what I really want because it costs too much money. For example, I tell myself that it would be selfish to spend that kind of money for curtains in my bedroom(which I desperately need as now we are using a sheet…Yuck!) when the cheaper ones would be o.k.. I get the curtains and am always unhappy with them and wished I had spent a little bit more and gotten what I wanted. Sometimes quality is sacrificed for the sake of what I think is more practical.
At the moment, I am chomping at the bit to get into the studio and get something done but find myself waiting for others to be available. I think, ultimately, I will be happier with another guitar player but it could be another month before I can get that done. What to do? For now I am working on my own version of recording so that I can work on a vocal arrangement for the first song. It includes a two CD players and an old cassette tape. It’s my version of a 4 track recording studio. We do what we must.
Have you ever been through one of those periods in life where you feel like you are falling apart? I mean those times when you just can’t seem to get well and it is one thing after another. It is hard to function and I find myself questioning it’s purpose. Is it my body’s way of slowing me down? Maybe God is intervening so that I will emerge from this dark whole a better, stronger person. I suppose the latter is always possible, under any circumstances, if you choose to see it that way. Is He waiting for us to turn to Him so that He can show us the way. Sometimes I think He is coming through loud and clear but then I start to think “what if it is just my own voice drowning Him out” I am not very good at being still and listening so I ask that question a lot.
Needless to say at this point, I have been in this very situation since last week. When are road blocks just that, road blocks? When are they there to make us turn back to avoid disaster and when are they there to test how much work we are willing to do for success? Let’s face it, success without a great deal of good old fashioned hard work, can seem sort of hollow or less than satisfying and praise will sound a little flat. How can one tell the difference? It is these sorts of times and questions that stop me dead in my tracks. No answers today…..just questions and a lot of Advil.
I have just spent the last 15 minutes trying to reason with #4, a four….well actually five in 32 days, year old, who is in a very unreasonable, whiny state. He has been living in this state for about a month now and I have really reached the end of my rope. My generally content and happy boy has been the most unreasonable child in the bunch. No matter what we put on his plate…..he doesn’t like it. He asks for something and as soon as you get it done for him he doesn’t want it anymore……and he cries and cries and cries. The strangest things set him off. Yesterday he cried for 15 minutes, which is long time to cry, because he didn’t want his grandmother to come over and then was obsessivley asking “why isn’t she hear yet?” I actually got on the phone and had to call to get an ETA to get him to calm down. AAAHHHH! It is really draining! He is so unreasonable!
My poor little guy is so ready for school. Unfortunately I would have to get a job just to pay for pre-school. Literally, it would take another pay check just to pay for schooling for him. I think sometimes I should do it but then I would also have to find day care for the other 3 after school and that one pay check would not cover that. It is a strange concept but it would actually end up costing me more money if I were to go and get a job. He is so bored and as much as I try I cannot please him right now. His whole being is in flux and he is letting the whole world know that he is uncomfortable…..wait a minute…….is that him or really me? Now there’s a question for the day. We are both living in limbo right now, stuck between what we have been for so long and what where we know we want to go next but have to wait. Patience, in this family, is in short supply. Toss in the lack of sleep for us all and you have a recipe for discomfort. Why are transitions so hard? No answers here but say a little prayer for us both to find our way. We could use a little help.
Rain rain go away…….I know it must sound terrible when anyone from Southern California whines about the weather but really? It has rained for almost all of the family’s Christmas vacation and Dad is going back to work on Tuesday 😦 I know…..I shouldn’t complain about that either as he has been home for two weeks and we even had a lunch date in that time. I’ll quit complaining now it’s just all this rain is making me sort of melancholy. I have really become such a lump. I tried to keep myself busy but I think with all the wrong things. I need to get back in shape, lose some weight and possibly regain some energy.
We did manage to get the whole family out for two hikes over the break and I have to say that it was quite nice. Los Angeles really does have some beautiful parks with great trails. Thanks to my mom (she gave me a camera for Christmas) I was able to capture some great moments with the kids. I haven’t had a camera for some time and it is also a passion of mine. I have actually thought about taking photography classes but that will have to wait. For now I am happy snapping pictures of the wee ones and hoping to get myself ready to be on the other side of the lens without totally freaking out at seeing my own image. At some point I do envision having pictures for the CD. It is a thought that scares me to death but I know the connection between the music and my own body is quite strong. It does make a difference in how you feel and thus how you preform. It all boils down to comfort and confidence and I would like to get out and play a few shows when this is all said and done. I’m gonna need to sell a lot of CDs if I am ever going to be able to justify it financially.
So I guess it’s weight watchers for me. I know…….I said I wasn’t really going to make any New Year’s resolutions but this isn’t really one. I have known this for some time. I also know what to do but somehow getting on a scale once a week ….in front of someone else…….well, it makes a difference to me. I feel accountable and when you are paying for it it is an absolute must.
This is my year! It’s not a new me mind you, it’s really just becoming more myself. I want to sync up the inside and the outside and the in between side. This year I don’t want to see the ball drop (I’ve seen that way too much) but get the ball rolling! I think it is important to honor the commitments we make to ourselves. So here’s to 2011 may it be a great one for us all! clink clink (that’s the sound of champagne glasses but I’m not drinking so this will have to do.)