Well I have been feeling so discourage of late. After weeks of trying to get it together enough to get in the studio….nothing! It is so hard to rely on other people who, like me, have so much going on and really not a lot of incentive to push things aside for a project for someone else. I can’t control that so I tend to through in the towel. I need to find a way to motivate myself in spite of the fact that April and May are shaping up to be crazy busy.
I am planning on doing a show in my lovely backyard space. It will probably be just me and my guitar but I’m trying to convince myself that that is enough. I think trying to work with other people’s schedules will just be more of the same and keep me in this holding pattern. I want…..strike that…….I need to play. I am a musician and I have to start acting like one. I can use the money to further the project. Who knows, maybe I will get up the confidence to start playing some gigs out in the clubs. I know it sounds minor but in my head it has the makings of a major leap.
I will keep you posted on the date. For now I will say that it will be sometime in May. The summer is upon us and I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than an out door concert. Even as I write this I am getting a little excited. Maybe the challenge of putting it together will be enough to recharge my batteries. One can only hope.
I had an opportunity to sing a mini private concert for some friends of mine last night. They were probably my first audience many moons ago. When ever I had written something new I would call them up and ask to come over to play it for them. I have to say it was quite wonderful to be able to share new songs with them again. It was late and I knew that I should have been heading home but I just couldn’t tear myself away. “Please play the one you wrote for you wedding” is how it all started and one thing led to another. I fell into performing like an old pair of shoes that I had lost and they still felt great.
I have been thinking about performing for some time now. I don’t know if I really have the stamina for it but last night it came so naturally and I didn’t feel depleted in the end but invigorated. It felt like I had gotten a transfusion and found new energy. Maybe it was the coke (soda) I had with my late dinner …all that sugar and caffeine…..but I think it was just the idea of playing for a real audience.
I have to tell you the my friends are the type of people who really know and appreciate great music so their opinions weigh heavily for me. They also know the joy and the terror of performing and were so gracious about having me play.
I am so proud of these new songs. I feel a little bit like I do with my kids when the holidays roll around and I get to parade them around in their new clothes and show them off a little. The older my kids get however, it is becoming more about getting them to perform as well. I am so proud of the song writers they are already turning out to be. They all (even #4 who is all of 5) love to sing and write songs. Some of them are more comfortable sharing with the outside world than others but I think a little bit of that comes with age. I sometimes worry that I have set them on a path that, at times, can be quite frustrating and down right painful, but I don’t think they would have it any other way. You can’t stop it from happening if you know it is what you were born to do. It is my bliss and it will always be. It would be great if I could make a little money doing it but for now my joy is playing for an audience of 4 sitting on the hearth in my dear friends living room. I am content and grateful.
I may not be recording…. yet, but I am happy to announce the arrival of a new song. It never ceases to amaze me when that happens. It just sort of, well, happens. I would like to be one of those people who works at and hones her craft on a daily basis but alas that is not me. I think it coud be and just might be at some point but for today, I accept songs like a gift from the heavens. I am grateful when it happens because I can honestly say that I am a mere vessel. It is easier, for me anyway, not to put too much faith in my own abilities and to trust in something greater than myself. If I can listen to the song in my heart and soul and bring it into the light, then I know it will find it’s place in the world because or even in spite of me. If there is a message for the world and I am just the messanger then it takes some of the pressure off. I do believe that is part of what makes the artist so vital in this world.
There is another school of thought here that you need to write everyday in order to hone your craft and I am not disputing that. So many of the song writers that I admire do just that but I also think by writing every day you are sharpening that ability that allows you to hear the “muse” . I think that it is a little like unclogging a drain. While the clog may allow some water to flow through from time to time, if you work at it you can open up that pipe so that the water can flow freely and more abundantly. So what I am saying is,” song writing is like plumming.” Put that in your quote for the day!
For today I am gratefully accepting the gift in any form. A new song is just enough to refuel my energy for this project and renew my own vision of myself as a song writer. It may not be a gold record any day soon but I feel confident that the message is one that I was meant tobe pass ed along and give it freely.