My kitchen table is covered with embroidery floss, the result of an unsuccessful attempt at making a friendship bracelet with my daughters. The untangling of the threads took most of our time and the youtube tutorials did not take into account that I have absolutely no skill for such things. I was trying to check my self deprecating remarks so as not to discourage my girls attempts but my frustration got the better of me. It’s summer time, my kids are home and we have no car. We have to be able to do crafts right? Unfortunately …..I have never been a very good crafter. I lack patience, skill and equipment. There was no clip board or tape with which to hold the threads so I tried to use the sugar canister to hold them down….this was not my first mistake.
At the moment my number one son is upset with me because I will not let him wander down to the boulevard to the thrift store by him self. I tried explaining to him that it was not that I did not trust him but that if something were to happen (and it has before) that I cannot come to rescue him as I am by myself and I have three other little ones (who are now watching a movie due to the unsuccessful bracelet attempts) that would not want to go with me which would result in drama of another kind. I have stopped writing this blog at least three times since a I started it because everyone needs something. I have come to dislike summer in just about 14 days.
Really and truly what I hate is the fact that I feel ill equipped when it comes to mother hood. All I was ever any good at was singing. That skill went by the way of their infancy and willingness to sit still and listen. I don’t even cook! I used to be a good cook but that was before I had kids and any tiny bit of patience I did have has long since been used up. All I can do is sing and right now I’m not really doing that. Yet another crisis!
When I feel less than perfect in my parenting I can usually fall back on “well at least I can sing” it is my “I can’t be bad at everything” net. I just wish it had some practical applications to help me with some of my life challenges at the moment. If it could soothe my children who, at the moment, are burning up with cabin fever, or get me out of my financial quagmire, or at the very least, not serve as a reminder of yet another thing I cannot do at the moment. I find myself in quite a dilemma.
I will say however, that it has served as a time machine of sorts. I have been thinking a lot about my own childhood and my own mother. We used to giggle as kids when we looked at her year book and saw that she had a dream of one day being a congress woman. My mom, a congress woman? Who knows if that was a real dream or just one of those passing childhood fancies. I do have to stop and think about it for a moment. She was stuck in the house, without a car and usually with more than just her own children because she was always supplementing the household income with babysitting. What she must have thought on so many days. Did she ever feel like she lost herself in all of it? Did she ever feel like she was ruining her kids lives because she had no patience left? I know it must have crossed her mind. I would ask her these questions, actually I have, but her usual answer is ” I don’t remember” When I ask “how did you do it?” her usual response is “I don’t know but I guess I did because you are still here.” Not very helpful but I suppose there is some wisdom in there. “Don’t worry about it, just do it.” So I will pick up the reins yet again and ride those horses through another summer day and hope that at the end of the ride nobody fell out of the wagon. Maybe I will do some singing around the camp fire tonight. “Smores anyone” ( I can actually do that pretty well.)