Funny thing about grief…..it’s like a new story every day. I thought I was doing o.k. and then the last three days seem to be unbearable. Funny thing about music……it can lift your spirits on a bad day and throw you into the depths of despair on a bad day.
Here we are in the beginnings of the Christmas season which, is always a mixed bag for me, and I can’t even stand the thought of Christmas music. I am trying to politely move through and act as if but so far it isn’t going so well. Today would have typically been the day that we filled the house with Christmas music and tried to hold the kids off as we try and clean the whole house before we break open the first of the Christmas boxes and start to decorate but I just couldn’t do it. I know that I have to for my kids, but it is truly making me sick to my stomach to even think about it.
You have to understand something about me. I am the person who secretly (or not so secretly) listens to Christmas music in August. It really reminds me of better times and sometimes I just need a little taste of it to get me through a rough spot. It is so full of joy and promise. This year it is totally the opposite. I just can’t do it.
It’s funny. I don’t remember feeling this way when my dad went on to heaven. I was pregnant with # 4 and we didn’t have anywhere to live. One would think that that would be enough to dampen anyone’s Christmas spirit but I don’t recall feeling this way. Expecting a baby at that time of the year is really quite something though. I know that the anticipation of that was bitter sweet because my dad would not be there for the first time in my life. He was truly at his happiest with a new baby in his arms and my baby would never know that earthly joy but…… I still didn’t feel the way I do today. I think this is the first time in my life where music doesn’t do the trick. I don’t know what to do with that. All bets are off. This is new territory for me and I don’t like being here.