“Why don’t you pretend”


Funny thing about  grief…..it’s like a new story every day.  I thought I was doing o.k. and then the last three days seem to be unbearable.   Funny thing about music……it can lift your spirits on a bad day and throw you  into the  depths of despair on a bad day.

Here we are in  the  beginnings  of the Christmas season which, is always a mixed bag for me, and I can’t even  stand the thought of Christmas music.   I am trying to politely move through and act as if but so far it isn’t going so well.  Today would have typically been the day that we filled the house with Christmas music and tried to hold the kids off as we try and clean the whole house before we break open the first of the Christmas boxes and start to decorate but I just couldn’t do it.   I know that I have to for my kids, but it is truly making me sick  to my stomach to even think about it.

You have to understand something about me.   I am the person who secretly (or not so secretly) listens to Christmas music in August.   It really reminds  me of better times and sometimes I just need a little taste of it to get me through a rough spot.  It is so full of joy and promise.   This year it is totally the opposite.   I just can’t do it.

It’s funny.   I don’t remember feeling this way when my dad went on to heaven.   I was pregnant with # 4 and we didn’t have anywhere to live.  One would think that that would  be enough to dampen anyone’s Christmas spirit but I don’t recall feeling this way.  Expecting a baby at that time of the year is really quite something though.  I know that the anticipation of that was  bitter sweet because my dad would not be there for the first time in my life.  He was truly at his happiest with a new baby in his arms and my baby would never know that earthly joy but…… I still didn’t feel the way I do today.   I think this is the first time in my life where music doesn’t do the trick.   I don’t know what to do with that.  All bets are off.  This is new territory for me and I don’t like being here.


One response »

  1. I agree – this year, nothing could possibly fill the void and so many traditions, including (perhaps especially) music only amplify the missing piece in our family. The tears came to me several times over the weekend, but I also found comfort and joy in how our children (the Cousins as they have collectively dubbed themselves) rallied together and held one another up when needed. They honor Kenneth through their heightened awareness of his missing voice and how it affects each and every one of us. I loved hearing the voices that we haven’t heard as much in the past – and I wonder if we would have heard them this year if they weren’t filling in for him. I think this year the next generation has decided to take the lead and we have to let them do that and let them hold us up in a way that maybe we are just not capable of doing for ourselves. Chin up, little sister – the music will come and it will warm your heart.

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