Life makes no sense to me sometimes……well really, most of the time. Just when I think I should feel one way, I feel another. Just when I think I’m sure of something some game changing fact comes fully into view. What? Where did that come from? Why I am here……AGAIN, STILL? Those phrases are all to common a part of my internal dialogue. I don’t think I am alone in that but at the same time I think I’m crazy.
Of late, my life has presented me with what feel like insurmountable challenges and I have felt overwhelmed. I’m not sure when the light bulb went off but in the last two days I experienced a clarity that, until now, I only thought happened to those much wiser than myself. Could it be that I am wise? Not a word I would have used to describe myself and still do not feel comfortable with. I am no better than anyone else. I think now, that perhaps we are all wise in any given moment. This question however lingers “was I given these challenges to make me wise or was I given these challenges because I am wise and I can show others the way out or how to live life with these challenges present in their lives.” What ever the answer is, my new internal conversations consist of phrases like “I’m o.k.” “No really, it makes no sense but I’m o.k.” I told a friend today who inquired about my new life situation “well were moving…. not really sure yet if it is the right direction but we’re moving.” I suppose it is better to be moving in any direction than being stuck right? no…… RIGHT! (not shouting just confidently saying)
It feels good to feel strangely confident. I believe it is what we Christians would call “the peace that surpasses all understanding.” and it is o.k. to feel right when everyone or anyone else is questioning or telling you something else. It is what it is.