“Where God closes a door, He opens a window” correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that a line from the sound of music. Even if it isn’t, I would like to believe it is true. Although, I can say of late, I would rather keep my windows closed and crank up the AC. The heat outside has really become oppressive. I can handle it from time to time but it seems like weeks since we have been able to wander outside with out melting. Cabin fever is a real thing….especially when it comes to a family of six in a two bedroom one bath house. It can stifle ones creativity and leave you feeling a little battle weary. The battles for space often lead to the fight for importance and recognition. “I have needs and you are not hearing me” seem to be common phrases being bandied about. While they may not be in those exact words, they are the underlying theme of just about every argument. We cry out to be recognized, to be noticed, to matter. At the moments we feel most desperate, we become our most passionate….at least that is how it works around here.
Really it leaves me fantasizing about escaping L.A. altogether and yet longing to be closer to those who are here. I know too many people whose parents are ailing and they are struggling to take care of them and longing to spend all the time they can with them because they know that these are likely their last moments and they live in different states. I am grateful for the closeness to my family and still my husbands family is spread out across the country and I feel selfish for having mine so close by. All of this just leaves me feeling conflicted and confused. I long for God to intervene and set it all straight.
I had a revelation earlier this week that troubles me. I have clearly recognized that it is time for us to move but looking at rents anywhere in L.A. I also realize that the move will have to be out of L.A. and possibly out of California all together. I wonder what that means and where that leaves us. I feel the need to start streamlining and packing so that when the time comes, which may be as soon as this summer, we are ready to go. I don’t know where or how but I feel that it is imminent and I don’t really care for change nor do my children. I feel desperate some days and other days it feels a little exciting. The worst day is when I think it isn’t going to happen at all and we are going to be in a holding pattern forever.
In the midst of all this consternation I realize that, clearly, I am not in control of any of this. Panic ensues this realization……. every time. I am one who can speak to many miracles that have happened in my life and yet I doubt. Is it possible that I have run out of miracles? It does seem as though I have had more than my fair share sometimes. I have to say that I really don’t see any way out of this situation without a big fat one and maybe it isn’t my turn. I feel like (as mentioned before) ” I have needs, and you are not hearing me” Where is God now? I know He knows best but….. is this really for the best? I find that hard to believe. I think maybe I do know best…..but not really. So what now? I guess we pray for patience and manna in the dessert….oops did I spell “dessert” ? Well maybe a little ice cream would make this all a little more palatable……. and in this heat something cold would be nice.