Yes…..I’m still here. I know it has been some time since my last post but I just haven’t had it in me. Along with a long list of family, school and church events among my reasons for not having written you can include a bit of malaise. I have been either too tired or uninspired. It has been quite a struggle these last few weeks. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it in fact the opposite is true. I have thought about it daily and still have not been moved to write.
I have really been in my head trying to figure that one out. I have been tempted to just let this blog fade out, die a quiet death. Something keeps me from completely giving up but I’m not sure what that is either. Perhaps you are now getting the picture. I talked about “moving” in any direction as being better than being stuck in one place in a previous post and that is exactly where I have found myself…..stuck. I think it might not be so bad except that the rest of the world does not look favorably on sitting still. I have been more focused on observation I suppose. Watching myself and recording my daily thoughts (in my head ) and I have discovered something recently that leaves me quite perplexed. I would like to be rid of it but I know that it isn’t one of those things you can just let go of. It is something I have really worked hard on and cultivated for so many years. It has grown such deep roots that I am not certain I can ever cut it out completely but it is most definitely my reason for being stuck. So now I sit, completely self aware of both my problem and my “stuckness” and I choose to sit for just awhile longer and ponder my solutions. Maybe I will make a pros and cons list of all the actions I might consider. That doesn’t quite feel like I’m moving anywhere but perhaps it means I have decided to at least purchase a ticket out. It also does not mean that I will get on the train but at least I will know that I can when I want to. ” To board or not to board, that is the question.”
In The Trenches 