Monthly Archives: April 2012

When You Say Nothing At All

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Yes…..I’m still here.  I know it has been some time since my last post but I just haven’t had it in me. Along with a long list of  family,  school and church events among my reasons for not having written you can include a bit of malaise.  I have  been either too tired or uninspired.  It has  been quite  a struggle these last few weeks.  It’s not that I haven’t thought about it in fact the opposite is true.  I have thought about it daily and still have not been moved to write.

I have really been in my head trying to figure that one out.  I have been tempted to just let this blog  fade out,  die a quiet death.   Something keeps me from completely giving up but I’m not sure what that is either.  Perhaps you are now getting the picture.   I talked about “moving” in any direction as being better than being stuck in one place in a previous post and that is exactly where I have found myself…..stuck.   I think it might not be so bad except that the rest of the  world does not look favorably on sitting still.  I have been  more focused on  observation I suppose.  Watching myself and recording my daily thoughts (in my head )  and I have discovered something recently that leaves me quite perplexed.  I would like to be rid of it but I know that it isn’t one of those things you can just let go of.   It is something I have really  worked hard on and cultivated for so many years.  It has grown such deep roots that  I am not certain I can ever cut it out completely but it is most definitely my reason for being stuck.   So now I sit, completely self aware of both my problem and my “stuckness” and I choose to sit for just awhile longer and ponder my solutions.  Maybe I  will make a pros and cons list of all the actions I might consider.  That doesn’t quite feel like I’m moving anywhere but perhaps it means I have decided to at least purchase a ticket out.  It also does not mean that I will get on the train but at least I will know that I can when I want to.  ” To board or not to board, that is the  question.”

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