I am woman Hear me roar

I feel so empowered today!  Still sick but working hard.  The last two days were quite possibly the most challenging I’ve had and I am still standing.  I can do the things I need to do even when I am sick.  The world did not stop revolving and I did not crumble.  I cried a little…well…a lot but I am came through it alright.  My children are still alive and my husband has not left me AND I have already been up for 2 hours, taken a shower, sewed the “It’s my birthday” button on my 6 year old’s t-shirt. (I need a moment…..6?…..sniff sniff) got the girls dressed, quaffed and off to school.  Not to mention, folded a load of laundry and sent a note off to the school principle regarding our box top collection campaign of which I am the coordinator.  Now it is time to start my oldest off on his home school day, clean the kitchen and  bathroom, do the laundry, make meatballs for dinner and a care bear birthday cake for dessert.

Why do I share all of this?  Well,    I just feel really good about it.  I would like to go back to bed for an hour or so (did I mention I still don’t feel well) but I know that I can’t do that and I am o.k. about that.   I really feel good about it,  a little proud of myself.  I am capable and I am blessed to have it all to do.  O.k. so I wallowed a bit in the last few days but I’m over it and I just wanted to acknowledge it, to honor myself and to count my blessings.  God is good ALL the time and everyday is an opportunity to see the good.   T

Today is number 3″s birthday and she is a real joy.   Sometimes a challenge, but always a joy.  She came into this world happy and h

Letting Go

I am learning that things don’t always go as planned.   Isn’t that funny, at this age and with my history one would think that I learned that long ago.  What’s so great about stability any way.   I think the challenge really comes in when what you would like or expect is vastly different from the things you actually wind up with.  I think it was Wayne Dryer (sp?)who I heard say “be open to everything and expect nothing.”   I like the idea of that but as a parent it is really hard.  Learning to go with the flow and allow your kids the freedom of expression and finding their own path is sometimes hard.  Accepting what they and who they are is sometimes hard.  Of course you still love them but sometimes I find myself grieving a bit, when they choose something I did not expect.

Go with the flow has not exactly been easy for me but I am learning everyday that it doesn’t pay to lay out your own agenda when the world is not exactly following your rules.  As a family I think, sometimes we are crazy rule followers.  Not to say we follow crazy rules mind you but that we are not very good at moving outside the box and yet we are hard wired to be creative thinkers and so it always feels as though we are swimming up stream.    It may not seem to make sense but this is how I see it…..it’s that we have these great ideas that sometimes seem out of this world and because we don’t like to make waves or maybe we want everyone to be happy those ideas get squelched a bit.  We are also control freaks so it is easier to let the whole idea go then  to compromise or allow someone else’s ideas to infiltrate are own.   I believe they call that cutting off you nose to spite your face.  (is that right?)  Crazy huh?

O.k. so now we can identify it but the next step is even harder.  Let it go!  Be open to change and see where it leads.  Stick to your guns but be ready to bend.  No man is an island and no 10 things brought with us is going to make a deserted island any less deserted.  People who need people are the luckiest people blah blah blah.  You get the picture….maybe you don’t.  I think I am even confusing myself.  I guess what it really means is that we have to learn how to balance it all.  Be open to everything and  still be true to  yourself.  Stay connected but don’t hold on to tight.  Bend and lean when the wind is blowing.  Take the bus when your car breaks down for the 100th time.  Make lemonade and all that.  So to live in the moment even if the moment seems to really suck, means finding the silver lining and keeping your eyes on all that is good.  Ignore all the other stuff or learn from it?

I’ll stop now.  This one is just too hard.  I am sick today and you deserve a healthy blogger.  I am off to have some tea.  I invite you to join me.  Thanks for stopping by.

The Sun will come out Tomorrow (sing along)

Do you remember watching cartoons when you were young?  I was thinking about the ones where the character’s feet were spinning really fast but the top part of their bodies stayed in one place.  I’m sort of amazed that someone ever thought of that.  I know it sounds sort of silly but think about how often that effect was used and how we really feel that way sometimes.  You think that you are running so fast and you still come in last.  I have had this dream many times.  You are being chased by something or someone and you feel like you are trying to run through water.  I hate the feeling that what ever you are afraid of is barreling down on you and you know it’s going to get you.

Today feels insurmountable in that way.  I have set out on a journey and yet life is still happening.  Nothing is going to stop so that I can sit down with my guitar and write a song.  Nothing is even going to slow down but continue at a break neck pace and I am in the pool trying to get away.  “I’m not a very strong swimmer”  (thank you Martin Short).

Things  are over my head today so I have decided to swim to the side for a bit and regroup.  Tomorrow is another day whether you like it or not.  Right now tomorrow sounds pretty good.

Inch by Inch

I am feeling inspired of late.  Need to grow something!  I remember some good advice a friend once gave me right before my wedding.  She told me to dig into the earth when you feel stressed.  Planting something has a way of “grounding us” (no pun intended) and making us feel connected to something bigger than ourselves.  It renews your spirit and let’s face it, we are all co-creators with the original Creator.  You can’t get connected to anything bigger than that.

I am going to grow a garden this year and the boys and I are researching composting today.  I am going to teach my kids the benefits of gardening and the satisfaction of growing  something wonderful.  Who doesn’t love the taste of a home grown tomato? (my kids for one)  Maybe we can learn something about life.  Digging in and creating, doesn’t that sound good?   Thanks for stopping by.

Beautiful Sunday

I swear I am not trying to make you jealous but I had the most beautiful  Sunday.  I really get the idea that we need a day to unplug or maybe plug in, depending on your perspective.  It was so beautiful outside, the music was plentiful.  I gave a little and received so much.  I hung out with my kids, did the crossword puzzle, drank coffee with reckless abandon.  Truly, it was a great day.  We had some company over and sat around in the early evening hours just chatting and laughing about old episodes of The Little Rascals.  My kids have recently been exposed and love them as much as I did when I was young.  We are truly blessed.

It’s funny how everything, once set in motion or intention, flows to one purpose.  Being well and creating something new and  trans formative, all comes together and everything becomes a part of it.  The tiniest thought or briefest of smiles, somehow find their way into your psyche and thus into everything you  do.  Life is good.  Thanks  for stopping by.

O the glory of powdered soap

I am sitting here this morning trying to find something clever to say but I am too tired.  So why post you might ask, well…..

A writer writes.  Everyday,  a writer writes, regardless of the fact that no one may ever read what you wrote or hear it (in the case of a song) but you write.  I always loved the adage “dance like no one is watching”  so maybe I write like no one is reading.  In this case, it does seem to be true.

I check my sight several times a day.  They keep track of how many of you (are you out there) are stopping in.  I went from 28 on one day to 3 the next and 0 the next.  I have to say I was quite dismayed.  Why check so often you might also ask and to that I say………I haven’t a clue.

In truth I  guess I do have an inkling.  I believe this blog has become another means for me to validate myself.  O WHY!  I wish there was some magic tool to simply shut off the valve that seems to constantly leak need for approval.  Where does that come from?  I think I will have to dismantle all my wiring (or plumbing) to figure that one out.  I am determined to figure that one out and maybe I will learn to do better or maybe learn to love myself with all my scars and leaks.  I do on some level but I do make myself a little crazy with all the energy spent trying not to make waves.

On a positive note,   I went to hear my friend’s bluegrass band last night.  The entertainment was accompanied by insanely good pizza, a pitcher of root beer and the company of some of my favorite people to hang out with.  Aside from the crazy powdered soap in the bathroom….or ….maybe because of it……I had a great time and some really good laughs.   What is it about live music that makes me want to run home and write songs.  It is so great!  It doesn’t matter the genre or the venue, as long as the music is done with a lot of heart and a real desire to make people happy (yourself included) it never fails to inspire.  There’s a new song on the way.  “order number 70, your pizza’s up”  Thanks for stopping by.

At the Crossroads

What is it about indecision that makes my heart race?  I make myself crazy and work really hard at avoiding making a decision.   How many calories can you burn staying in one place?  It seems to me that I should be a size two by now.  I put so much energy into not moving at all.   The internal conversations are really an exercise in futility because, in the end, I don’t even listen to myself or….maybe I listen to myself too much.  (see what I mean)

As a christian and believer in one creator of all things, I seek God’s will in my life.  Ultimately that is the goal but I worry sometimes that  I am talking to myself again and I cannot hear the spirit.  I wallow in fear and uncertainty.  I stand still. I am afraid to take a leap of faith because I tend to be a bit impulsive and go for what makes me feel better in the moment but I have come to see that even that is just another way of avoiding.

Maybe the answer is in making a choice and taking God with me.  Maybe God is there blessing what I choose.  I am really o.k. most of the time but sometimes I want to know the clear cut answer and maybe sometimes there is more than one path to choose from that will ultimately bring me peace of mind.  I am ready for that!  Thanks for stopping by.

It’s a little bit funny

I just couldn’t let this one go.  It is, once again, self indulgence and therapy.  I had to get it out and quite frankly, I can’t type fast enough.  There was so much I had to edit out of the last post because it was too much to tell but  now my head is spinning.  Every time I hit that publish  button I start to panic a little.   What will they think of me?  Do they really care what is plaguing me today?  I am totally crazy!!!   Trying to be honest and exposing myself to the world for who I am is  really hard and who really cares.   Now I just sound pathetic AAARRRRGGGHHHH!  Blogging makes or takes a lot of assuming and I don’t like that.  One can never know what someone else is thinking or feeling but I do hope that you all find something relate able here.  I like to think my journey isn’t all that  different from the rest the world and in some small way we all help each other along the way.  I hope I am right.   Thanks for stopping by.

Peek inside (if you dare)

We are now going where no man has gone before.  I trip inside the jungle that is my head.  Please feel free to turn back at any time.

I have a dilemma and maybe you can help.  It really is quite a practical one and I feel certain, one that you have probably dealt with once or twice.  It is really about setting priorities.

As I have briefly explained, we are a family of little means.  We do alright but there is the constant struggle to figure out which need is greatest and what purchases will yield the greatest rewards.  I am dealing with a few challenges that I think I have answers to but what comes first.

I desperately need a new mattress.  Good sleep…no need to tell you the benefits of  a good night sleep.   There are o so many reasons this is important.  I won’t go into how old my mattress is but let just say it’s way older than the industry standard.  I also have this cool little space that has been going to be my music room since we moved in here 4 years ago.  Something to consider however, we are renters and it would take quite a bit to make it a usable s pace in which to create.  I do have a vision for it but do I really want to try and scrape together funds for a place I do not own and really have no idea how much longer I will be here?

The reality in this moment is that I do not have the funds to do either but per my previous post, that is no longer my excuse not to get it done.  It will get done and I am open to any path that leads me to it’s fruition.   But here is where I get confused.  While living in the moment….this is where I live and nothing has come up that leads me to believe I am going anywhere any time soon.  So, this is where you come in.  To sleep, to create a space for music?  You tell me.  I will seek the means and inspiration to move in the right direction.  Let’s face it  there is a God above who wants us to prosper and I do believe the doors or windows that must open will be just that.  You can be a compass and help me look in all the right places.  Mattress……..Or Music room?  I would love to hear your thoughts.  Thanks for stopping by.

p.s.  I am going to figure out how to upload a video to the blog so you can see the space if that will help you sort this one out.  I really do believe that both options are going to get me closer to my ultimate goal ….finishing my CD.

A pebble in the water

“Put it all in a bubble and blow it away.  Bad thoughts be gone!”

I promise the panic has passed.  Nothing but positive thoughts here.

I watched a snipit yesterday  about a 13 year old boy who is presently climbing Mt. Everest.  When they asked him what has been the highlight so far he said “I have seen Mt. Everest.”  Base camp was enough and each step he took to climb to highest peak was the best thing yet.  Living in the moment…..is it really such a challenge?  I think it far more difficult to try and somehow control the future when you know it isn’t possible  and yet we try.  Being content and fulfilled in the place we are…..is it really so hard?  You can answer that one for yourself but for me it all lies in the way we talk to ourselves.  I had myself convinced  that it wasn’t enough, or maybe I wasn’t enough just the way I am but how could I not be?  To quote Popeye ” I yam  whats I yam”  (who’s blog quotes Popeye)  I have been working so hard at trying to be something more or maybe less when what I am (or was) would have been so much easier.  Once again, don’t take to the keyboard to reassure me because it doesn’t work.  I have learned, somewhat painfully of late, that you can’t convince somebody that they are good.  You have to learn that one for yourself but….and this is a big but….. if you learn to love yourself and act on that  it has an effect on everyone around you, a pebble in the water.

Do something kind for yourself today and believe it or not it is good for us all.  Thanks for stopping by.